You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning do you?

How I´ve been feeling recently.

A stream of consciousness.

If this pandemic has shown us one thing, it would be that life is not plannable or controllable. At least not to the extent that we want it to be. 

For people like me, who need to feel in control all the time, this situation feels terrifying. Our security blanket in form of plans and predictability has been taken away from us entirely. 

We tend to try to find deeper meaning in the things that happen to us. It provides us with a sense of purpose, after all, what are you worth in 2020 if you don´t use every incident in life as an opportunity to self improve? 

Toxic life coaches tell us how to make the best versions of ourselves until we´re all trapped in our hedonic treadmills that keep getting quicker and quicker, while social media is spurring us on to outrun ourselves, selling our lives and souls for things we don’t actually need or want.

Romanticisation of burnout culture. 

Suppressing vulnerability because it means weakness. 

Engaging in toxic productivity while not achieving anything meaningful.

The fear of being average which seems to be the worst label someone could get during our times. 

What kind of society do I live in when I feel like I need an excuse like a worldwide pandemic to stop the pressure and unwind for a second? 

What kind of society do I live in when I feel relieved about no one being able to travel our go out solely because of the reduction of my own FOMO? 

What kind of society do I live in when I finally don’t have to feel guilty anymore for letting myself rot at home and closing the world off around me because being depressed became socially acceptable?

We used to be able to escape our problems but now we are trapped inside our apartments with our demons. 

And as nice as Isolation can feel for people like me – it gives way too much room for even more overthinking, leading to a downward spiral of depression that feels inescapable. 

And still – I feel guilty for being a prisoner of such unimportant issues while the world around me is on fire, knowing that other people have it way worse than me. 

We all hear it over and over again. “Enjoy the little things in life, live in the present moment to be happy”. But how many of us are actually capable of doing so? 

Isn´t it sad that we lost the abilty to find joy in the smallest things because we’ve developed a tolerance towards happiness while taking almost everything for granted? Losing true joy in overstimulation? 

What if the solution or the “meaning” behind it all is to learn to let go? To go with the flow of life? What if the solution is to want less? To expect less? To trust more? To stop treating life like a never to do list and living it at a slower pace. Getting into the depth of things instead of cluttering our mental space by doing too much out of the fear of missing out?

If all we did during this pandemic is to survive and finally give the little things the attention they deserve, isn´t that enough? 

Maybe we  don´t have to make the best out of this. Maybe it’s fine to “waste” a year or two. Whatever that means. I´m tired. I´m tired of running. I´m tired of being a victim of capitalism and constantly muting my true self. 

I want to take up uncool hobbies again with no background thoughts of exploiting them for profit without feeling like I’m wasting time. 

I want to stop being a narcissistic arsehole that takes its own significance in this world too seriously and is more obsessed with self optimization than genuinely contributing with acts of kindness. 

I want to wake up in the morning again being happy to be alive instead of instantly wanting to escape in the limbo of unconsciousness. 

Maybe it’s fine to be average. 

Maybe it’s fine to waste some time. 

Maybe it’s fine to be content with an easy life instead of always hunting for more. 

Starting to live life fuller, not by doing more but less. Stopping to tie our happiness to outer circumstances that are as fragile as a leaf in the wind and finding it within ourselves no matter the surroundings?

I know, it sounds cheesy and hippie-dippy like

But in the end, that’s all we truly ever have – isn’t it?

Diana